Love Stud

I recently watched The Marriage Ref which premiered earlier this month. According to Wikipedia.com, the premise of the show involves real life couples who have been having an on-going fight for a long time. A video clip is shown to the three-member celebrity panel, showing both sides of the argument. The panel then discuss the merits of each side of the argument and vote on who they think is right.

While this show is one of the funniest I’ve seen in a long time and aims to do the right thing – give both sides a voice and listen to each argument – it doesn’t necessarily translate into creating change or fostering the proper habits for the couple. It starts to play off of what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” but they were not able to define and enact these skills. The Smart Heart Skills were validated but undone by the actors doing cheerleading into each other being right and wrong. Smart heart skills are not about being right and wrong as opposed to “walking in the others shoes” and making the person feel safe.

How To Use Smart Heart Diologue

When I instruct couples to use Smart Heart Dialogue, it’s as a way to move beyond the anger and blame that typically is placed when an argument or disagreement comes to a stalemate. It can be used for smaller, more inconsequential arguments as well as larger conflicts, even when faced with infidelity.

Utilizing this type of dialogue is important in learning to fight fair as a couple. Fighting and disagreeing are not bad things, in themselves. Learn how to fight fair. It’s a misperception that fighting is bad; a relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute “Smart heart”-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.

How Smart Heart Diologue Will Help Your Relationship

This type of discussion can open up the doors to putting the emotionality of a certain topic aside – whether it be finances, life decisions, career changes, fidelity, or a host of other things – and allow the couple to be honest with each other in a safe, loving space. Of course, this doesn’t mean that each person has a right to be angry and hurtful – quite the opposite. This exercise is designed to take the heated emotion out of a discussion so that the couple can share their feelings without a threat of emotion or anger getting thrown in the mix.

These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

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Whether you’ve been violently raped or have been a victim of date rape drugs and aren’t sure what happened, being raped is a frightening experience and many women just aren’t sure what to do afterwards. Here’s what you need to do if you’ve been raped or think you’ve been raped, so you can begin the healing process.

You’re Not Alone

Remember that if you’ve been raped, you’re not alone. About 10% of women are raped at some point during their lifetime. Know that you did nothing wrong and the rape wasn’t your fault, no matter what the rapist has told you. There is nothing shameful about getting help for rape, and it’s absolutely critical to take steps after being raped to get the proper medical attention and help for your emotional and psychological scars.

What Not To Do

It’s essential that after a rape that you do absolutely nothing except get immediate medical attention. Do not shower, bathe, brush your hair, douche, change clothes or even wash your hands. Go straight to the emergency room. If you’ve woken up after a night out and find that you’re clothes are torn or missing and you’re sore like you’ve had sex but don’t remember it, gather the clothing you were wearing the night before (especially your panties) and bring them to the emergency room with you. Your first instinct may be to take a nice long, hot shower to scrub the rape off you, but it’s incredibly important that you do exactly the opposite. Go to the emergency room right away with your hair a mess and your makeup smeared. No one is going to judge you – they’re going to help you.

What’s In A Rape Kit

At the emergency room, a forensic nurse or doctor will begin the process of collecting evidence, called a rape kit. A vaginal and anal swab will be taken to look for semen, and the undersides of your fingernails will be scraped for skin specimens. Your clothes will be taken and searched for bodily secretions, hairs, clothing fibers and other specimens. It’s going to be uncomfortable, especially after a rape, but it’s the only way to get enough evidence to catch and convict the criminal responsible for the rape. If you shower, wash your hands, brush your hair or teeth, or change your clothes, you’re destroying any chance the police have at finding the rapist. Remember that after the rape kit is finished, you can take as long a shower as you’d like and even burn the clothes you wore if you’d like.

Preventing Pregnancy And Treating STD’s

The other benefit to going directly to the hospital after you’ve been raped is that you can be given emergency contraception, known as the “morning after pill” to prevent pregnancy from the rape incident. You can also be treated for sexually transmitted diseases and infections, so the rape will have no long term effects on your life. While a rape itself is utterly devestating, a pregnancy or STD caused by the rape can wreak havoc on the rest of your life. Going straight to the emergency room and allowing trained and caring professionals to take care of you is the first step to healing, recovering, and putting the rape behind you.

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You’ve confessed your love to a girl, and now she’s run for the hills. What do you do? Did you come on too strongly, or is she giving you mixed signals? Dating comes with lots of questions and very few answers, but here’s what you can do when a girl you like starts giving you the slip.

Question: A few weeks ago, me and a good friend of mine setup to have a date. I have some affection towards her and I thought she felt the same way. Two days before our date, I confessed my love to her. On the day of the date, I called her up to see if she still wants to go; she didn’t pick up. Then the next day I called her to see if she still wants to go out today and she said “I don’t think that is a good idea.” So I get the idea and drop it. We still talk once in a while now, but not as much and intimate as before. But then last week, I asked her out to dinner and she came. I’m confused, what should I do?

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Labeling The Relationship

Often, people who are dating are too quick to put a label on the “relationship” they have, and want to know where they stand when it comes to being with someone. This goes for both guys and girls though – it’s a common belief that women do this more than men, but it’s actually about equal between the sexes. Unfortunately, when one person in the relationship is pressing to define it, the other person gets scared and starts moving away emotionally. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want to spend time with you or don’t like you, but it may mean that they just want to go slowly and let the relationship go where it needs to on its own.

Backtracking

If you’ve confessed your love to someone and they start giving you the slip, you may think you’ll never repair the damage that was done. That could be true, but not always. The thing to do now is to back off and let them take the lead. Don’t start calling all the time or continue to try to get them to go out with you. They may like you, but they may just need some time to air out. Take a few steps back and let them call you. Be polite and friendly when you see them, but let them make the moves. If you do want to ask them out, suggest going to a casual lunch or bowling. Whatever you do, make sure they don’t feel pressured in any way and they just might come around.

Letting A Relationship Develop On Its Own

When you start dating, it can be tempting to move along quite quickly, especially if you feel like you’re ready to settle down. Instead, try letting the relationship develop on its own. Don’t ask your partner where you stand or try to define the relationship, because often, it’s always changing. Just focus on enjoying being with the person you’re with and let the relationship move along at its own pace. Getting to stop and enjoy all stages of a budding relationship is like stopping and smelling the flowers - totally worth it.

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